that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
