i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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