I wish my penis had an off switch
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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