Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
