Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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