Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
