Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
