she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
