So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
