If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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