oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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