you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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