The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
