i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
