Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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