There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
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