Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
