he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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