Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
