I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
