I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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