Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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