i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
