I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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