But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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