I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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