Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
