last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
