I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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