She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
