the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
