if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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