My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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