answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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