Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
