They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
