So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
