You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
