Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
