I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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