Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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