if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
