I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
