i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
its liver damage thursday
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
