He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
