this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
