I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
