just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I need moral support for this bender
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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