I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
