she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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