life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
