It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you inspire me to be a worse person
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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