I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
